Religious Convictions

I don't think I believed in God when I was a boy. I mean I went to Church on Sundays and I was sometimes quoted the Bible. I even attended a Baptist Scout Troop. But now, later in life, I begin to reflect on my life and what I have done and start to feel guilt for what can only be described as 'sins' I have committed.

I begin to think, 'What if God does exist?' Will I get into Heaven, will I be punished for what I have done?
I am just not sure anymore.
I think I can cope with the dilemma. It is just the guilt I feel.

Right up until about last Christmas, I spent  a good deal of my time looking  at Porn on the internet. Not just the normal sort, gay porn as well. I like vintage pictures of magazines from the 1970's especially from Europe. I am talking about 'Colour Climax' and 'Rodox' and stuff like that. I would look at it for hours sometimes. If it was just looking it wouldn't be so bad but then the masturbation creeps in, the onanism! It's the lustful thoughts, wishing I was in that situation with those couples as well.

I decided that the Internet was a bad thing and I banned myself from using it! I wouldn't look at anything because there was always a temptation to look at porn and play with myself.
A friend of mine, surprised by my absence, told me that such things were natural and I shouldn't worry, but it is the guilt I feel about it that makes it hard.

The Bible tells us that sex should be between a man and woman  in marriage and not between couples before they are joined together, and certainly not between two men so I am certainly damned already! I have done both.
I have masturbated from an early age. I didn't know what I was doing, I just knew it felt  nice. I would rub my groin on the bars in the playground at school, or on the kitchen door at home. It was only when I reached puberty that stuff started to come out and I realized what I had been doing for all those years. Probably from about 5 years old I had been acting against nature. How can a person atone for such things?

Later in life, my Father would check my sheets for any signs that I had been masturbating in bed, but that didn't stop me. I found other places to do the thing. Sometimes I would go for long walks in the country, just to masturbate without detection. I have even masturbated with others. My best friend at school found out that I had some 'pornography' and we would look at it together. We started masturbating together, then masturbating one another and finally I tried to fellate him. Fortunately, he saw sense and told me he didn't like it so we didn't do it again. But I have done it on several occasions.

Sometimes I hate myself for what I have done.